Stereotyping Fun

Some people are more addicted to internet games than I am. I'm just throwing that out there right off, to preserve a small measure of dignity. I am NOT the most internet-game-addicted human on the planet. I'm only "nicely" addicted.

As proof that I am not all that bad off, I point out that my character ("J Schmertzgarten") in a certain pirate game is only a Level 2 Swashbuckler after more than a month of play. If I were a really serious addict I would be playing at a three-digit level, and my principal weapon would not still be my only weapon, namely the block of wood with the nail in it. And I would have my parrot by now.

As proof that I am nevertheless bad off enough to warrant pity, I'm starting to see the entire world through the lens of internet games. So, recently, I was thinking that the current economy could easily end up with the 40% of the population being homeless, and wondered how to prepare people for that condition. And all I could come up with was to ask people, "What style of homeless person do you want to be?"

So, say you're going to be homeless. Step 1; pick your character's name. It must be fewer than 20 letters and spaces, more than 3 letters, reasonably decent, and not be already taken. So you may not be Jesus Was II, Pope Kirk XVI, Johnny Snapple Sneeze, Sir Wanksalot, or Doc Pay.

Step 2; choose your character's style. Your style will affect your power, mobility, stamina, and stealth, how quickly you can earn experience points, and the weapons available to you.

Suppose power is most important to you. You should be The Street Expert. The Street Expert specializes in knowing where all the services are. He has every color and code bus transfer in his possession, and he has the ability to know which color and code is in effect every day, even before the first bus of the morning. He eats every day at community meals, he can find a place to sleep around any corner, and his principal weapon is a Disarming Grin.

If mobility is what you want, forget the buses and be The Car Camper. You'll be able to move freely without checking schedules. You'll even be able to go to other cities. But watch out -- if your stamina drops and you run out of dollars for gas and repairs, you'll be a stationary target. The Car Camper is a favorite of new players because she has excellent defenses and is able to save up more goods and keep them longer. She eats food bank food, cold and raw, and her main weapon is a Wilting Scowl.

The Rough Sleeper sleeps in the rough. He has the stamina for it. He may or may not have a tent or sleeping bag. Either way, he's home in the rough and sleeps there. When he's sleeping his defenses are high, but during the day his style makes him easy to spot, so he has to keep on the move, which can be difficult for him. He eats berries and squirrels and can bludgeon you with a Stony Disposition.

The stealthiest style is The Fashionator. The Fashionator passes for housed by means of his/her fashion sense and attention to hygiene. The Fashionator is hardest to target, but maintaining his/her invisibility takes a lot of energy/stamina points, so playing this style requires a lot of concentration. He/she has the best chance of couch surfing, landing a day job. Eats at fast-food joints and possesses the Killer Outlook.

Now that you've selected your character's style, you're ready for your first chance to earn experience points! A Level 1 Street Expert challenges your place in line at the church feed! Stand your ground and win 1 Experience Point and graduate to Level 2!

I always say the best stereotypes are the ones we make up as we go along.

Easy Poems The Angst-Driven Way

Let's talk about existential angst!

Existential angst is my favorite kind of angst. It is much preferable to being-bombed angst or starvation angst or any of the other kind of normal everyday angsts that leap to mind.

Wes, what is this thing called existential angst? Where does it come from? How will I know it when I have it? Will it help me to write easier poems? What else is existential angst good for? What should I wear when I'm having existential angst? How old should my children be before I teach them the facts about existential angst? These are just a few of the existential angst related questions that can be asked.

Existential angst is that feeling you get when you discover that you aren't a drill bit or a box of white-board markers or an anti-fungal cream or any such similar thing. You weren't made for any evident purpose. This makes you feel left out. All the other things have meaning to their existence. You don't. Why oh why couldn't I have been born as a socket tool kit?

You have to wonder how this ever got to be important to anyone. The answer to that is easy. Two words: chronic underemployment. Existential angst is the whine that societies generate whenever a critical mass of its people are over-qualified for everything they can do. Look out, Seattle!

Let's say you have a degree in philology and the guy interviewing you for McDonalds doesn't know philology from stamp collecting. You may have existential angst. Are you 52% brain in a 20% brain world, assigned to pushing a broom for a 9% brain employer? If you don't have existential angst yet, just you wait, Bunky.

Existential angst is great for writing poems. If you get stuck you have lots of cool words to fall back on, like "abyss" and "nausea". Always wear lots of black. The following illustration has been graciously supplied by one of our avid readers who wouldn't be caught dead wearing white.

Life Stinks Somewhat

by Poetry Legend and Excellent Rodeo Clown

Melissa "Missy" Schmertzgarten

No one can relieve this churning dread

that's fastened itself inside my head.

Not that I would ever sincerely complain --

since without my dread I would go insane.

A little dread is such a happy thing!

I feel just like a harried king.

Questions & Aids for Further Discussion

Do you think socket tool kits have their own kind of angst? What would that be called?

Which of the following famous people do you think have experienced significant amounts of existential angst: George W. Bush, Pat Robertson, Rush Limbaugh? Which of them do you think could use some? What does "use" mean in this context? If existential angst can have a purpose, can Carrot Top be far behind?

Everyone set down your pencils and take five minutes to fret over the meaning of life. Then, compare your reflections with those of your neighbors. Did you all see the same gaping abyss? Did any of you see down a garbage disposal? Because that would be weird. Give yourself 5 extra points if you felt fear, and another 5 if you experienced loathing.