Hamas: Congratulations, Suckers!

The good news of the week: Since Hamas won the Palestinian elections in a landslide, no one expects the United States to continue donating $70 million in direct annual aid to the Palestinian Authority. The money saved will be able to go instead to pay for much needed social projects within this country, such as our urgent national need to know which shelter bed which particular homeless person is sleeping in every night, including his or her name, social security number, date of birth, and the names and addresses of all of his or her relatives.

Then, with the money that’s leftover, we’ll be able to buy two or three Tomahawk missiles to shoot at Pakistan, a lame nuclear power that would never have the nerve to shoot us back, until the onset of World War III.

In fact all the hand wringing over the Hamas win has been plain silly. People just need to relax, count their silver linings, smell the roses, and drink their milk, or whatever.

OK, so they’ve been terrorists. So what? Well, then, this win must have come as quite a shock to them, right? It sure invalidates all their past methods, to find out that all they had to do was just persuade people to vote for them. Ha! Democracy won, terrorism lost! We showed you, Hamas! Your terrorist ways look pretty stupid now, don’t they? Losers!

Secondly, until now Hamas has been able to look all sparkly and shiny as the party out of power. When you’re out of power you can promise anything. But now they have to govern. The fact is suicide bombers are all drama queens who are too important to pick up the garbage or maintain the sewage. Reality is bound to set in, and any party that could manage to do the boring dirty work to stay in power would start to look like your granny in her underwear. Or they won’t be able to hack it, in which case they’re out in the next election. It’s all good, either way.

As President George Bush has noted, the election showed that the Palestinian people were dissatisfied with the status quo. Just like people everywhere, they want better educations, and no children left behind, and an expensive privatized medical system that favors the already favored. They want to land men and women on Mars, prevent women from having abortions, and have prayer in their classrooms. They want tax cuts for the rich, in order to encourage economic growth and development in the private sector, so the public sector can shrivel up, die, and go to hell. But they’re not Americans, so they don’t get what they want.

No, just kidding. They do too get what they want, they’re a democracy, and that’s what democracies are for! It’s just that, after that -- after they get what they want -- we get what we want. Because we’re bigger than they are, see? So we can take what they want away from them.

Already, Hamas is getting Americans mad at them, and prone to want to get rid of them, by calling for the introduction of sharia law among the Palestinian people. This is unacceptable to Americans because it involves a dress code. Americans will not stand for a dress code, anywhere, especially on Fridays.

Of course, the $70 million we’re saving per year by not giving the Palestinians aid is less than a hundredth what it will take to invade them and make them free from themselves and their own stupidity again, but we are a resourceful people, and we know how to use credit.

Of course, the Saudis might take exception to anything we do to Hamas, call in all our debts with them, thus triggering the onset of World War III. But looking at it on the bright side, it’s better to get that over with and move on, right?

So cheer up everyone: your glass is half-full!