You'll Think This Column Is About You

Dear America,

I really hate putting you down. I know how vain, selfish, and arrogant you are, and how, because of that, if I ever put you down, you will never listen to me again. You only listen to flatterers like George Bush, who lie and tell you every day how great you are.

[Pictured: Archetypal brown-nose Eddie Haskell. "And might I add, Mrs. Cleaver, that is a lovely blouse you are wearing!"]

I've tried to be your best friend, America. I really have. When you got into that illegal war 4 years ago I tried to hold you back. That's what best friends do. When they're making a stupid mistake, you try to hold them back, to save them from being stupid. But you didn't appreciate it. You cursed me. You screamed, "I'm NOT making illegal war! I'm killing terrorists! Give me my keys or I'll send you to Guantanamo and I'll non-torture you, you LIBERAL!" or words to that effect. And then you went off and "killed terrorists" who weren't there and now the world hates you and you're in the back of the bar pounding the wall, screaming, "They don't ANY of them have ANY business hating ME. Tell me I'm great or I'll cut you, you LIBERALS!"

That's how you curse me. I can complain all day about a liberal Supreme Court that OKs violating protections of private property owners, or a Congress that ignores long established conservative fiscal principles, or passes ex post facto laws as if the Constitution doesn't matter any more. But let me tell you, America, just once, that you are going to hell in a hand-basket if you don't clean up your act, and all of the sudden I'm a LIBERAL.

OK, America, have it your way. I'm a poor, drip-coffee-drinking, beer-guzzling, bus-riding 'cause-I-can't-afford-a-moped, much-less-a-Smart-Car, Constitution-loving, PC-hating, LIBERAL, because you say so.

Meanwhile, for years me and all my LIBERAL buddies have been telling you that capital punishment doesn't work. We did study after LIBERAL study (all study is liberal to you) to find out that capital punishment has no deterrent effect. Also, the only places where execution costs less than life imprisonment are Third World countries that are overrun with murderers. You didn't care. Fine.

But last week something just drove me over the edge. A guy, Philip Workman, on death row in Tennessee, asked that his last meal be pizza served to some homeless person. The Tennessee authorities refused, BECAUSE IT WOULD COST MORE THAN $20.

Philip Workman is a creep. He probably didn't commit the murder he was sentenced for, because the Medical Examiner who testified against him is a pathological histrionic liar. But Workman's still a creep. Besides, you already know I'm LIBERAL, so I'm pro-death, having no respect for the sanctity of life. So I say kill Workman, make him hurt, and bring that Third World on.

But the refusal to honor Workman's last meal request is more than sad, and I'll tell you why, America, and you're not going to want to hear me tell you why, and you'll cover your ears, America, and shout "La, la, la, I'm not listening to you, LIBERAL!" But here I go.

All the Tennessee authorities had to do to get a homeless person fed for free WAS TO GO PUBLIC AND ASK PEOPLE TO HELP BY DOING IT FOR THEM.

This is what American Civilization has devolved to. America, you are SO SCREWED UP that your petty officials don't even THINK of asking your citizens to help them do anything. You are that full of hatred for common people, that stuck up with authority and bound up with petty bureaucracy channeling hatred of the lower-classes, that it doesn't even occur to the people running your prisons that the people outside the prison walls could even be a resource to be asked to do what they couldn't do.

A civilization so degenerate that it treats its own people as useless, space-filling, trash, can't last a generation.