Nothing At All

As promised, this week's column will be about Nothing.

The great thing about Nothing, from a humor standpoint, is that "Nothing" is a noun and nouns are supposed to signify things. But Nothing doesn't! That makes Nothing the most anarchistic word in the English language, and anarchy is funny like ten monkeys and one banana in a Jacuzzi®.

To prepare to talk aimlessly about Nothing, I did a little research. I learned some very interesting facts. For example, the Old Testament, at least in the most popular translations, mentions Void and Emptiness, but never Nothing. Whereas the New Testament mentions it a bunch of times. This is apparently because the first person to really talk about Nothing was not Hebrew, but the Greek philosopher Heraclitus, who said, "Everything flows, Nothing stands still," thus making the first clear distinction between the two, and serving to sort them out for further study.

[Above Right: Probably bipolar, shown here in one of his down times, Heraclitus was the first of a long line of philosophers to talk about nothing.]

Socrates next became famous for claiming to know Nothing, personally. I have it all over Socrates -- I've slept with Nothing for years and done Nothing for hours on end nightly, in every position imaginable. Top that, Socrates!

Not surprisingly, Ovid, the Roman poet I was speaking of last week who wrote about Everything, felt compelled to speak of Nothing as well. He said, "Nothing is stronger than habit." I can second that. In fact, Nothing beats a bad habit like being flattened by a semi.

The Bible does say that in the Beginning there was Void, which is a Nothingness in space. But John Lennon said it better: "Before Elvis there was Nothing."

Here's a bit from Paul to the Corinthians: "If I give away Everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain Nothing." Well, yeah, you gave away Everything!

What's wrong with Nothing, is what I want to ask. Oscar Wilde said, "A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of Nothing." Let me earn my cynic's wings today! Because if I can learn the value of Nothing then value will always be with me. How bad is that?

Confucius said (I kid not), "Sincerity is the end and beginning of Things; without sincerity there would be Nothing." So someone sincerity-deficient like me can fairly count on an abundance of Nothing. It just makes good sense to find the good in it.

Or maybe Nothing is beyond good. Ben Franklin said something to the effect that Nothing is as popular as Goodness.

Throughout the ages, perhaps as motivated as I am to find value in Nothing, great thinkers have sought to define it. Da Vinci tried to turn the original Void idea on its head by saying that Nothing is that which fills no space, as opposed to unfilled space. It's the missing filling.

Wittgenstein got all theatrical up in it by stating, "For a truly religious man Nothing is tragic." Leaving out the religiosity angle, I think "Nothing is tragic," draws us near to its value. After all, the ancient Greeks went to considerable trouble to enjoy their little tragedies. Goats had to be killed and skinned for the costumes alone. Probably there was a buffet. So with all the Nothingness of those tragedies, someone got to eat goat.

[Above: Wittgenstein was a philosopher, a student of Mathematical Foundations, and an expert not only of nothing, but also the art and science of hunting for and identifying unicorns.]

"Out of Nothing Comes Nothing," said Descartes. In fact, Nothing breeds like rabbits. So Nothing is a good investment, if you want plenty of Nothing.

[Left: By learning some math, Descartes was able to speak of nothing with more authority than the average philosopher. Below him on our page, but not in the heart of God, Pascal thinks about binomials, triangles, gambling, our expectations of a good return upon our investment in our mortal existence, and nothing.]

Another one-time mathematician like Descartes and me, Blaise Pascal, is alleged to have said, "If God does not exist, one will lose Nothing by believing in him, while if he does exist, one will lose Everything by not believing." But J. Krishnamurti (repeatedly) said you can trust Nothing and believe in Nothing. I have found this reassuring, and the definitive answer to Pascal's wager.

Nothing is comforting. Rousseau said something resembling this: "When the people have Nothing to eat, they will eat the rich." It inspires hope.