The Swell and the Swollen

First, what is right with the world. On the day this appears in print tomorrow will be July 17, Yellow Pig Day, a happy holiday for celebrating yellow pigs and for honoring the number 17.

17 is the funniest of all numbers. Typical math jokes involving 17: "17 is the only prime number exactly equal to 17." "17 is the smallest prime the sum of whose digits is 8." "A map of the original 13 colonies cannot be colored with 17 colors." My favorite math joke involving 17: "17!" July 17 is also the birthday of "close associate" Anitra "With The Lettuce In Her Hair" Freeman, who will be, as always, as old tomorrow as I was last week. All of this is good, and as it should be.

[Below: "Famous" equation you never saw before that enabled some smart-ass to construct a heptadecagon with ruler and compass, like that's important.]

Now for what should not be. Two words: Karl Rove.

It's been almost a year since Rove resigned from his position with the Bush administration. He is now a private citizen, theoretically, who chiefly works as a writer and political analyst for Fox and Wall Street News, and as a speaker. So how does he have executive immunity from Congressional subpoena? Because he says he does. He won't even appear physically before the House Judiciary Committee to tell them personally that he doesn't have to answer their questions. He has that much executive immunity, which, last I checked, even the president himself doesn't have. He shouldn't call it executive immunity, he should call it deification, and he should order us to tear down Congress and dedicate a temple to him on the same soil.





He is claiming executive immunity even though he has no way of knowing precisely what questions the committee members would ask him were he to appear. Let us put that into perspective. It's like I say, "Excuse me?" and you say, "It's none of your business." What? Or, "Where were you the afternoon of March 15 of last year?" "I didn't do it." What?

It can be understood as proof that Rove claims omniscience. He believes he knows precisely what questions will be asked of him and that there will be no question to which the answer could not be, "I refuse to answer on grounds of executive immunity."

"What is your name, sir?" "I refuse to answer on grounds of executive immunity." "How high can you jump?" "I refuse to answer on grounds of executive immunity." "Who won the World Series in 1944?" "I refuse to answer on grounds of executive immunity."

After all, a True God is also omnipotent, therefore omniprivileged and empowered to answer all questions badly. What's the difference between a duck? The correct answer might be, "One of its legs is both the same," but a True God is able to answer any way He likes, even lying if He so chooses. "42."

"Why isn't Rove in jail right now?" You might as well ask, "Why does death come to all living beings?" A. Because Rove is God and Rove hates little children and cute puppies. Shut up and eat your broccoli.

Years ago I applied for a mathematics teaching position at a local institution of Christian higher education. In addition to the usual interview with established faculty and department head, I had to submit to being interviewed by the president of the university, who in the course of it, asked me, "When you teach calculus, how will you relate it to Christ?"

At the time I thought that the correct answer ought to be, "Not in any way at all, you dottering old moron." But now that I am almost as old as that fool, I realize that God, AKA Karl Rove, AKA Turd Blossom, created not only the world but also the mathematical laws that lie beneath the workings of the world.

Newton and Leibniz may have discovered calculus, but Rove made it be, as He made Heaven and Earth and yes, 17, and He is One in Being with his Son. If He says so.