Save Me From The Savior Wannabes

My original idea for this column was to report to you from the 93rd Annual Convention of the Association of Gospel Rescue Missions in the manner of Hunter S Thompson.

Since we are not, in fact, the Duke, it would never occur to me or to Anitra “Mistress Gonzo” Freeman (I’m not prejudiced against Christians, I live with one!) to wade into Grand Ballroom 2 at the SeaTac Doubletree Inn among up to 1000 missionaries without prior consent. Our Editorial Manager Adam Hyla called ahead. He got a nice PR woman, who said something like, oh yes, we know about Real Change, and I read that column by Wes Browning on us a few weeks back, and ha, ha, he sure doesn’t like Christians does he? And then we got permission anyway; so I thought, time to pack our drugs.

But then I thought, Good God, is even their press agent 90% satire-impaired? The column mentioned was NOT anti-Christian. All I did was satirize the AGRM’s website. I wanted to show how their own talk about homeless people might feel to the homeless people themselves by turning it around and applying the same language to missions. If the missionaries were offended by it, they were supposed to understand that they themselves had provided the template.

Clearly, these people need training wheels on their satire. Setting an impression of Hunter S Thompson before them without any exegesis would be like renting your 12 year-old nephew an expensive hooker and not telling him which end is up. It just results in waste. I was going to have to explain in excruciating detail that I don’t actually pop pills or do hookers or drink until noon-o-clock in the morning.

Then the day came, and we were in the ballroom. The head honcho at the dais was saying how great it was that George Bush had appeared on closed circuit TV earler to say a few words to the gathering . Ah heck, we thought, we missed it because we were too busy scoring acid. NO WE WEREN’T, we were across the street downing Sourdough Jacks and jalapeño poppers, because we couldn’t afford $32 for the conference meal.

The best part of the evening was the Total Experience Gospel Choir. Too bad there were too many missionaries in the way, or we could have danced until we ripped a hole in the floor.

Speaking of ripping holes, it was time then for Dr. Kenneth “Hutch” Hutcherson to talk. This was what we really came for. What would the famous Hutch want to say to the AGRM, besides that gays shouldn’t be allowed to marry, etc? Surely he would have a special message. We were right! He came to talk about ripping holes!

Specifically, he discussed Mark Chapter 2, wherein Jesus heals a paralytic that had been lowered through a hole in the ceiling. From this he arrived at the idea that when people come to missions for shelter and food (which he calls “coming for the wrong reasons” as if the missions don’t deliberately set that bait!) it is up to the missions to “rip parts of their lives out of them” (like the hole in the roof, get it?) to reach hollows in their hearts to shove Jesus into! You couldn’t ask for a less disingenuous description of what I referred to previously as the spiritual violence of proselytism. Hutch is for it! Treat the existing spirituality of the homeless people who come to you like so much roofing! And the audience cheered!

Here’s the satire part, for the missionaries reading this: My final recommendation to the rest of the world is we all do to you what Hutch says do to homeless people. We lure you into coming to us for the wrong reasons, by letting you believe we care what you think about gay marriage. Then without your permission we rip your bad-ass violent hearts a new one, and shove tolerance into the hole.

Mahalo.

Dr. Wes’ Missionary Position

Over a year ago I was goosed about a huge discovery. I’d learned most homeless missions everywhere are linked. They’re members of the Association of Gospel Rescue Missions, or the AGRM.

Founded in 1913 as the "International Union of Gospel Missions,” the AGRM provides missions with program resources and guides for helping the homeless. It provides courses in starting up missions, and ongoing organizational advice. Members are certified by the AGRM. Never sleep at an uncertified mission! Always look for the AGRM Seal of Approval!

None of us at Real Change had known about this. Our Editorial Manager, Adam Hyla, had never heard of AGRM. So I was thrilled! For once I, Dr. Wes Browning, had an idea at an Editorial Committee meeting, and I was awake! “Hey everybody! Let’s write about this! It will constitute news to our readers!”

As I remember, Adam’s first reaction was on the order of, “It might have been news in 1913.” His second reaction, on hearing that AGRM is based in Missouri, was “What’s the local angle?”

I said something like “Geeze Louise, Adam, there’s not one but THREE member missions right here in Jet City, USA. Plus another 10 of them across the rest of the state. How more local do you need?” “A lot,” he said, scoffing at my genius, as so many always do.

Well, scoffers scoff no more! I’ve got your local angle right here, Adam! They’re bringing their show to town!

Yes! Seattle’s Union Gospel Mission will host the 93rd Annual Convention of the Association of Gospel Rescue Missions. From May 27 to May 31, a swarm of homeless-mission folk will fan out to hit all our best tourist traps, then reassemble to compare mission shop notes, like how Jesus would create a non-profit governing board, how to use the Bible to get homeless people to behave, or how to stop homeless gays from marrying (Dr. Kenneth Hutcherson will be one of the featured speakers.)

AGRM’s website, www.agrm.org, is a window into the ideals and philosophies of Christian homeless missions, which have a huge impact on the lives of thousands of homeless people.

Inspired by a similar item on the website, and in the spirit of sharing, here’s my EIGHT WAYS TO TRULY HELP THE MISSIONS:

1. Never give cash to a mission. Too often well-intended gifts meant for homeless services are used to support the missions’ pernicious proselytizing habits. Volunteer your time, or give them food or beds instead.

2. Talk to the ministers with respect. Talking to a poverty pimp respectfully can give him a weapon to fight the social isolation that induces him to treat his clients as moral and spiritual inferiors.

3. Recognize that missions and their ministers are not all the same. Some of them make you go to the service before you can eat, while others let you buy your way out of the chapel, for instance.

4. Share God's love. If Jesus were walking the earth today, He would certainly spend time with the homeless. But, maybe He’d talk to a mission’s minister too, on a slow day. So can you.

5. Pray for the missions. THEY like that sort of thing, and actually believe it does them good. Humor them.

6. Take precautions for your own safety. Some workers at missions on the streets are criminals and fugitives running from the law. Watch your wallet at all times, and avoid bending over in front of them.

7. Encourage your local mission to help their homeless clients both physically and spiritually but always within their clients’ own spiritual understanding. Too often missions will work to undermine and degrade that existing spirituality, so as to try to supplant it. Proselytizing does spiritual violence.

8. Demand transparency. Do the “converts” really get the best beds? No one knows, because no one talks, including the clients, who fear the consequences of speaking out.

A “convention” is a “coming together.” Let’s all share our ideas and try to come together!