Actually, I Was High On Cheeseburgers

[from 11/10/10]

The history of elections, by me, © Dr. Wes Browning, would be a long list of poor-to-dismal elections, followed by one good one, followed by this last one. It’s not like I’m not used to disappointment. For example, I knew going into Carter vs Ford I had already lost, so, in a daze, I voted for a write-in candidate. I’ve forgotten who it was, but I think it was either the Ramones or a fireplug. Honestly, I was high.

But that was the 70s, and I’ve since learned it’s wrong to binge medicate. Kids, remember! Only use state approved pharmaceuticals under proper state approved supervision by a state licensed drug prescribing agent. Don’t end up like me.

We didn’t care for this last election. So we must look back on this experience and see what went wrong. Actually, we don’t really have to, but there’s this deadliney thing happening.

Anitra “No Closet Organizer” Freeman had an organized thought about the election. No matter what the Republicans said, all the American people heard was, “Hey honey, you know I’ll treat you good this time; I’ll never hurt you ever again, babe... “ and the American people cried and accepted the Republicans back, and agreed the beating they got from Bush and Co. had been their own fault.

That’s way better than the explanations I have, which are centered on stupid mistakes Democrats made. Oh well, here goes.

First there was this law called the Credit Card Accountability Responsibility and Disclosure Act of 2009. This winning bill was passed with Democrats dropping balloons and taking full credit for every aspect of it, way back at the end of May 2009. Obama had been in office just 4 months, and the American people were still cutting him slack. It sounded wonderful. Credit card companies wouldn’t be able to ratchet rates up without warning anymore. It was called the Credit Cardholder’s Bill of Rights.

However, the law wouldn’t take effect until 9 months later, exactly. Nine months calls to mind morning sickness, vomiting, endless nausea, swelling, and “You did this to me you bastard! I’m never letting you touch me again!” That was exactly how the American people felt when all the credit card companies used the nine month extension to crank rates up by an average of 20% on everyone, regardless of credit history.

You could argue that the average cost of those increases for consumers for the coming year would be offset fourfold or more by the one-time economic stimulus payments most of us got -- but nobody argued that. Maybe that’s just as well, since we’ll be paying those higher credit card bills for years to come.

Death panels. All the Democrats had to do was frame this as a right to life issue. The whole point of that provision of the health care reform bill was to give patients more opportunities to decide for themselves if they would want the plug pulled on them and force doctors and hospitals to abide by the patients’ wishes. But the Democrats got “right to life” stuck in their craws. Were they afraid it would compromise their support of abortion to adopt that language? It would not have. It might have even helped on that front. In any case, you can’t win elections acting as if you’re opposed to life.

New Department: Predictions I can scrape by on!

The boss wants this column earlier from now until ever! So to keep topical, we’re going to talk more about what hasn’t happened yet!

This week’s prediction is that “Rescued Chilean miner” will become a permanent feature of our culture, joining all the other characters that made up the Village People, policeman, Indian, biker, construction worker, and GI, along with Grownup girls who fell in wells, and Outstandingly calm airline pilots under pressure.

I want to see a Survivors series with all these characters plus a Crushed Democrat competing at the lonely end of some tropical island I haven’t heard of yet.