A Scrum, I Say

[from 3/24/10]

As you all now know the Mayan end of time will occur sometime around the Winter Solstice of 2012. This weekend, start your countdown, as Saturday, March 27, is one thousand days to that solstice! We here at Adventures in Irony will try to keep you all informed about this and other breaking end of time news as reports come in, provided we can stay awake for them.

Logically, when Mayan time ends, that's it, because time doesn't really come in ethnic varieties. However, people do, which brings me to the United States Census, the ridiculous subject I want to discuss this week.

I just lied, the subject I want to discuss this week is the health care reform bill that passed last Sunday, but I can't because I don't know what "the" health care reform bill is, until the Senate finishes deciding what it was the House passed. So I should wait and make fun of that later, when that happens.

Coincidentally, the census survey forms that are now arriving in mailboxes ask us all to mail back, right away, our answers to exactly who was living with us on April 1, 2010. So you're supposed to answer truthfully this week, as to whether or not your mother-in-law drops in next week unannounced. I am of the view that all those who return their census surveys on or before March 31, 2010, should be charged with "offsides" and a scrum called between them and census takers. The latter could use clipboards as well as feet.

But what I find really amusing about our glorious US Census surveys are the questions that are actually asked about us and all our April Fool's Day drop-ins. The survey asks for one person's phone number. For that person and exactly five other random residents of the same home they want to know ethnicity and race. If there are seven or more residents, the additional ones get off just telling their names, sex, and age. So let's say you are a White Person, head-of-household, living in a one-bedroom apartment with 40 Dravidians. To the Census Bureau that will look like one White Person, 5 Dravidians, and 35 Other. It's so sloppy and inaccurate; I feel like my tax money is going to waste.

I'm extremely disappointed in the questions about ethnicity and race. The only ethnicity choices are Hispanic/Latino/Spanish, or not. That's just lame. I've got 40 Dravidians living with me and I can't declare their ethnicity? It is unfair I am forced to declare a Dravidian race when most geneticists are in agreement there is no such thing.

The race question (ha!) on the census survey is odd. If you're Pacific Islander, you can be Filipino, Japanese (oh yes, those are Pacific Islands), Native Hawai'ian, Guamanian/Chamorro, or Samoan, or you can fill in the blank with one "race" among Fijian, Tongan, "and so on".  "And so on" could include, but not be limited to, in alphabetical order: Carolinian Islander, Cook Islander, East Timorese, Easter Islander, French Polynesian, Indonesian, Marshall Islanders, New Caledonians, Maori, New Guineans, Solomon Islanders, or Vanuatuans. According to the US Government these are all races.

Whereas, if you are White or Black, those are your choices. History shapes the dominant lie.

I think it's time the Census started to reflect the questions real Americans have about each other. For ethnicity the choices should be about what matters; Check all that apply -- curry, bbq, jambalaya, piroshky, lutefisk, haggis, snails, sushi, bean curd, kimchee, blood stew, falafel, or fill in the blank.

When it comes to race, we should stand back and listen to the experts who tell us there is no such thing as race. Then we should ignore them as we always do. But we should encourage people to take more charge of their lies, such as inviting them to declare their race "Vegan", or "Zombie", or "Southern Swedish", or "Presidential Quality".

Why should Pacific Islanders have all the fun?