The Death Star Must Be Completed on Schedule

[from 2/17/10]

It's beginning to look like "don't ask, don't tell" could actually end. I've learned not to try to predict these things, ever since I lost that $20 bet that Hubert Humphrey would go all the way in '68. (I'm lying. I didn't learn anything. I never paid the bet. The guy I bet got drafted and shipped out.) But the signs are getting pretty impressive.

First, two weeks ago, you had Chairman Mullen of the Joint Chiefs of Staff saying, “allowing gays and lesbians to serve openly would be the right thing to do.” Then, Robert Gates, the Defense Secretary, was basically saying, "Yeah, I guess, what-he-said. It's not whether, it's how. Maybe we could circulate a memo, and, I don't know, hold some workshops, with some role-playing."

Last week, National Guardsman, Arabic-knowing, Iraq War vet, West Pointer Dan Choi, formerly discharged for admitting to being gay, was invited back to the National Guard, even though "don't ask, don't tell" hasn't even been repealed yet. Who needs Congress?

Finally, Dick Cheney said it was fine by him. "If that's what Don, or Mike, or whatshisname, Mullen, wants, who am I to strangle him from a distance with only the power of the Dark Side channeled by my evil will? It's his call. Just so long as the Death Star is completed on schedule."

If I were gay, I think I'd almost be annoyed at how easy it's starting to look. I'd think, "You're all just going to roll over? And act like, it's no big deal? Bastards! Why was it a big deal 15 years ago?" That's what I would think, and then I'd punch my fist on my knee, and break my hand. Then, I'd run down the street yelling "Son of a bitch! I broke my hand!" Then I'd check into a clinic and lie to the doctor, telling him I punched the wall, because who the hell would break his hand on his own knee? But that's just me.

So maybe it's time to think about why this is happening now, and what the consequences might be.

The explanation I keep reading for why this is happening now is "the generational thing." In other words, homophobes were your old man, your grandpa, your mom, and your Uncle Fred, and they're being replaced. "It's actuarial, man." This appeals to the mathematician in me, for about two seconds. Then the mathematician spots a snow job. Culture is that which is passed down, so it's not an explanation to say the older generation is dying off. You still have to explain the death of this particular cultural artifact. Why is this one not getting passed down?

I've already given my opinion away. The Death Star is what counts. The Empire must prevail. We've seen this scenario before. It's not PC in all circles to draw the civil rights comparison, but, come on. Racial segregation didn't end in the US military just because Truman ordered it to end. It also took a downturn in the Korean War, and the need to combine the forces for efficiency's sake.

At the command level, it's got to hurt not having enough bodies to do the job. Do you accept homosexuals or do you ask for a return to the draft? But even at the rank and file level, the wear and tear of two wars and a military stretched too thin has to do something to the cultural artifact.

They're talking about invading Iran to stop the Iranians from building the kind of weapons we've been overstocking since the Forties and Fifties, and you find out that during the first ten years after "don't ask, don't tell" was instituted the military let go of 9 Farsi speakers? For being gay? Are you kidding me? So we have to invade with only straight Farsi speakers? Is there such a surplus of Farsi speakers in the US military?

This empire thing is hard, and we need all the help we can get.