Belltown, Bye

[from 5/19/10]

Sometimes people suggest ideas for me for topics to write about. I usually decline, because, in Junior High, I was the kid who ruined every group project he took part in.

I don't have the kind of brain that is suited for team work. There is no "I" in team, I tell people. That's it then, I say, there's no "I", so, sayonara, team. My brain can't even handle the brain equivalent of relay races. My brain always drops the brain-baton, or manages to grasp it only to trip on its little brain-feet, and land "squoosh" on its little brain-face. Ruining it for everyone else.

So the fact that I have agreed to write on a suggested topic this week can only mean one thing: I don't have any better idea, and I'm thinking, we can all get a laugh out of how badly it goes.

This week's topic: Everything we at Real Change will miss about Belltown, after we finish moving to our new offices in Pioneer Square. As usual, when I say "we at Real Change" I mean "me," and anyone who thinks like me. In other words, "me."

I'm going to miss all-night dining at Steve's Broiler, which was my introduction to Belltown back in the Eighties. What a great idea, having restaurants open at 4 AM, so that the people who clean the toilets of America can eat when they get off work. And, hey, does 7th Avenue count? How 'bout that Doghouse?

I'm now being told by a small avian assistant that those do not exist anymore. So, never mind about them. Let's see, what else?

Well, of course I'll be missing the StreetLife Art Gallery at 2nd & Bell, where I painted during the entire Clinton Administration, achieving such artistic success that I could actually support myself on my earnings, so long as I had no rent to pay, and didn't mind if my shoes leaked. It died, though, during Bush's first term, so, never mind that, too.

OK. I'm definitely going to miss the Speakeasy Café, where I learned how to use a browser when 95% of all Americans thought "browser" meant "cow," or "deer," or "kangaroo." The Speakeasy Café, which burned down, is lately an empty lot. Never mind.

I'm going to miss the Denny Regrade Park, never mind never mind oh never mind, which I can't lie down now in, because I was deemed to be the wrong class by the neighbors so they asked for it to become a dog park, that, if I should lie in it, I should get my face slobbered upon, by a Rottweiler, and it'd serve me right.

I'm going to miss the fabulous famous Belltown Art and Poetry scene, especially the seven minute open mic opportunities at the Penny University which was razed never mind to make way for housing I will die not affording. Whereas the Commodore Hotel, which was across the street from the Penny U, was affordable nightly, on a good night, but never mind that, as Seattle needed one more parking lot more than it needed the Commodore.

I'm going to miss the Crocodile Café when we move to Pioneer Square. No, wait, never mind, I mean I'm going to miss the Crocodile pizza parlor.

I'm going to miss Crawford and Waage Hardware on Third. Imagine, a hardware store in downtown Seattle! Imagine hard, never mind with extreme prejudice, because it's hard to hammer a nail with a cowcheek taco, which is what you'll find if you look for Waage where it was. I don't think I'm going to miss cowcheek tacos, because they're on wheels and will surely come after me, such is my fate.

I'm going to miss Utne Reader's "7th Coolest Neighborhood in America" of the early 90s, the one that was dismantled in favor of high-rise apartments and condos about two years later, so no, never mind, I won't, because I already did the missing I was going to do, never mind.