I Feel Your Bummers

[from 1/6/10]

I know 2010 will be an OK year. I have already explained the reason for this true fact over a year ago, in this space, Dec. 31, '08. Namely, 2001: A Space Odyssey was a great movie, and 2001 was one of the worst years in modern history. Not anywhere near as bad as 1348, but stinky. Whereas, 2010: The Year We Make Contact was a perfectly horrid movie (it "blew") so the real year 2010 has to correspondingly good, at least good enough to maintain the balance of the fluids in the cosmic spheres. If that doesn't make sense to you, you're not high enough and you're bringing us all down, dude.

I've been thinking a lot about bummers, in general. Believe it or not, I don't personally use non-prescription consciousness-altering pharmaceuticals. That rumor is entirely based upon assumptions engendered by my writing and not at all supported by any direct observation. I get high on absurdity. Nevertheless, I know what a bummer is, and I see what they do to people, and I can feel their pain.

It really is a tragedy that the other day some buzz-kill entered the screened area of Newark Airport by the "out" door, leaving TSA absolutely no choice but to rescreen thousands of travelers at one of three terminals. The CNN story had this: "I just saw one woman pleading with a gate agent, saying that she had two small children and a heart condition -- that she simply could not take this," Cho [a CNN personage] said. "But of course, there will be no exceptions."

"There will be no exceptions." We must have order. Because if we don't, the bummer will spread, and pretty soon everyone will have it. The bummer must be contained! All the bummers must be contained!

They never found the probable terrorist or TSA employee who entered backwards. He could still be hiding in Terminal C waiting for just the right moment to blow up his underpants. My guess: he exited by mistake and decided to return the same way. But people know TSA is looking after their safety.

In the last decade, we contained most of our bummers in Guantanamo, where we subjected them to enhanced interrogations, so as to guarantee our safety from "enemy combatants." With the election of Obama, that was supposed to change. We were going to stop the enhanced interrogations, try all the captives in courts, release the ones we couldn't convict, and imprison the ones we could with a clear bummer-free conscience.

But, mother of bummers, it turns out that all that application of our firm American beliefs in freedom and justice and human rights is just impractical and inconvenient, so, never mind.

Meanwhile, 5 enemy combatants of our enemies, former Blackwater mercenaries accused of manslaughter of civilians in Baghdad a while back, got their case thrown out because they were interrogated under threat of prosecution. Technically, it wasn't a threat, more of a statement of fact, but it was the way it was said, you know, frowny-faced and all.

So for our enemies, water boarding is fine. For our mercenaries, don't even hint that you might take their key to the HumVee away. As it should be, because if we started treating everybody in the world the way we treat our enemies, none of us would be having a good time, would we?

First they came to impeach our President, but we would have none of that, and he finished his term. Then, they wanted to try his Deputy Chief of Staff, but he resigned and later carped at the new administration for not doing enough to protect against terrorists, and we all listened. Then they came for the legal adviser who told them torture was legal, and our new administration wouldn't want to set a precedent like that. Finally they tried to try our mercenaries, but if we let that happen, gosh, who'd be next?

Yes, 2010 will be bummer-free for America.