Happy Xianity Days

[from 12/16/09]

It's getting close to Christmas, the time when we love to talk about the war on Christmas. Having no limits, I've decided to talk about the wider war on Christianity.

I first noticed this war in grade school. I'm so old I lived in a different century than you, and it was legal when I was in grade school for teachers to lead their classes in prayer. So every morning five days a week I was required to recite the Lord's Prayer, which was tricky, as I didn't know the words, what the prayer was about, or why we were saying it. One day, the teacher noticed I was just mumbling along with "are daughter, you are eleven"  and "my cup runneth amok" or some such things and she made me stand up and recite it all by myself. I tried, but I got it all mixed up with the shepherd-valley-shadow thingy. The class laughed at me when I couldn't do it. I was regularly called the "dirty heathen" during recess after that, and kicked.

That's why I shaped up and learned to be the Good Christian I am today. It's all thanks to that treatment, and a little help from Stockholm Syndrome. Imagine my horror when, in the early 60s, the US Supreme Court outlawed forcing kids to pray to God in schools. I've read the decisions front to back and nowhere do they prohibit praying to atheist gods or even Islamicist or Buddhistic gods. In other words, the Supreme Court was directly attacking Christianity. How can Christians make new Christians, if they can't do to today's children what was done to me? How could Christianity continue to spread, as is its Manifest Destiny, without being able to force heathen children to talk to the real God? What other kind of children are there?

Over the years since then the attacks on Christianity have gotten worse. Most of this is common knowledge. We all know that it's now against the law to have a Christmas tree except in the privacy of your own home. But did you know that there has also been a move to outlaw the cutting of Christmas trees themselves? The Christianity haters are combining forces with the tree huggers. When you can neither chop them down to take home nor decorate them where they stand, you take the tree out of Christmas. And when you can take the tree out of Christmas, you can take the Baby Jesus out of Christmas.

First the government passes laws that say you can't discriminate against non-Christians. That's reasonable, if by non-Christians you mean people who will be Christians when they've heard the Word. Sometimes non-Christians like that do good work, and they have to eat, too. But then, the government goes too far, and says you can't make your non-Christian employees act Christian! How are they supposed to learn?

There's more. Since late October it's been a federal crime to attack gay people, the last remaining people in a long list of those that the Bible indicates should be stoned. So we're in this weird Bizarro-world, where Apaches and Navajos can use peyote all they want, because it's their freaking religious "right", but God-fearing Christians can't stone anybody at all anymore. The First Amendment only protects non-Christians. It never protects Christians.

In the darkest hour, though, there is hope. Christians can exploit the new laws to come back and practice their religious dominance the way God intended them to. All you have to do is paint the trees lavender.

Here's the idea. You use the trees to worship Jesus just like always, but when the Gestapo shows up you tell them they're LGBTQ trees. Then, they can't touch them! They'd be offending gays and lesbians and God knows what those other letters are doing there!

Want to put a Nativity Scene in a public place? Think YMCA! You know what you have to do. I don't have to draw you a picture do I?