Attack of the Mind Sucking Bubbles

[from 3/17/10]

Once again, I am going to talk about the so-called anti-panhandling ordinance, AKA the anti-aggressive solicitation ordinance, AKA the Tim Burgess mayoral campaign bid. As before, NO OPINIONS are to be expressed in this diatribe. You won't be able to tell if I'm for it or against it, that's how much ironic adventure we're going to have.

This time, let's focus on The Bubble. The Bubble arises under proper conditions, say, if the planets are in alignment, if papers are in order and filed on time. It will be illegal to attempt an interpersonal transaction within 15 feet of someone, on account of said proper conditions.

I like The Bubble. In saying that, I am not violating my vow to express no opinion. I'm saying I like it, in the sense I like horror pictures, or I like speculations about which species will take over from humans, whether rats or cockroaches. Will the cockroaches have to evolve opposable thumbs and giant brains, and failing that will the rats have the edge? I wouldn't want to be IN a real-life horror picture, or be replaced by rats, I just enjoy the concept. Likewise the concept of The Bubble is cool.

The coolest Bubble-related provision (not the only one) of the Burgess Bid, is part A.4.f.(iii) which basically says there's a bubble around anyone "immediately before or after conducting a transaction at an ATM or parking pay station, [who] is handling in plain view any money, bank card, receipt, check or other document related to the transaction." It's important to note that the law as now written is not about prohibiting solicitations only to the person who creates The Bubble. It's about prohibiting solicitations to anyone at all within The Bubble that person creates.

Here's the cool part. It creates a mechanism whereby people who engage in solicitation (not only panhandlers but also Real Change vendors, Girl Scouts selling Girl Scout cookies, petitioners, and others) are compelled to look suspicious. Because they will have to engage in watchful behavior that will alarm people.

It will work like this. For everybody but the Girl Scouts, who will be immune because the police so love them, you could get a ticket if you aren't paying attention to whomever nearby has money, or a bank card, or a receipt, etc., out. In the past, if you were honest and polite, you would have indicated as much by deliberately avoiding glaring at users of ATMs and pay stations, lest anyone think you were targeting them. But, once the law is passed, you'll have to watch everybody coming and going from every ATM and parking pay station on your block, specifically watching their hands, trying to identify whether they are holding a check or receipt or if it's just Chapstick, and seeing when it gets put away.

Failure to spy on people using ATMs and pay stations could result in inadvertently breaking the law.

To make this all concrete, let's say I was on the streets selling naming rights to my body parts, something I've actually done. Nothing in the law requires a solicitation be verbalized to constitute a solicitation. I could just have a sign around my neck, "Name my body parts -- $1 each".

As soon as I see someone step away from a parking pay station with a parking receipt in hand, I have to know that they are there. I have to see the receipt to know that the law applies. I have to gauge the distance, and before they get to within 15 feet of me, I have to hide my sign until the threat is past. To know when I can go back to signing, I have to watch that person and keep an eye out for anyone else like him.

I'm going to look like I'm marking every single person paying for parking or using an ATM, even though I'd rather politely ignore them.

It's a bad law that stigmatizes those who obey it.