Feed Your Head

[from 8/18/10]

I want to advocate for better education in our public schools.

During the recent heat wave I could keep cool and comfortable because I learned years ago how to move about in downtown Seattle almost entirely indoors. Great trick when raining, too! It’s even easier now, with the bus tunnel. They should teach such Architectural Exploitation Technology in schools.

Or consider this: You learned in your Civics Class that it was your responsibility to keep abreast of the news. Even though you laughed because the teacher said “a breast” you knew it was right. But how do you keep abreast of so much annoying stupidity without going crazy or being bored?

The answer I’ve learned is, turn the news into a sitcom or movie in your head, and you’re suddenly being entertained, just like you were brought up to be!

Here’s a recent example from my own life. I was reading about the opposition to the “Mosque at Ground Zero”. This news is stupid on several counts. 1) It’s not a mosque. 2) There’s already been a mosque in the neighborhood for decades. 3) Muslims were killed in the WTC attacks. 4) Give me a break, we’ve got a First Amendment. 5) You don’t need 5 reasons, those 4 were enough.

The place is really going to be a community center. It’ll be a Muslim alcohol-free Cheers! People will come and go all day ribbing each other and playing practical jokes on one another. There would be very amusing sexual tensions between regular characters. Since the center will operate pretty much like a YMCA, there can be a running feud with an actual YMCA uptown. In one episode a challenge between the rival community centers would end with the Islamic center filled with goats.

Another example is provided by news associated with Seattle’s own People’s Harm Reduction
Alliance. They got national attention recently when it was reported that they not only were distributing clean needles, but also safe(r) crack-kits. It led to a spot with Bill O’Reilly and FOXNews.com ran a piece on how the crazy liberals in Seattle were running amok.

A comment to the FOXNews.com story simply said, “That’s why I pack whenever I go to Seattle.”

Dawn of the Living Liberal Crack-Addict Enablers! So we have a busload of tourists, all but one of which is a wishy-washy liberal. Their idea of packing properly for a trip to Seattle is to bring rain-gear and a change of socks.

Not our hero, played by your favorite tough action ass-kicker. Since I’m old, I picture Bruce Willis, Schwarzenegger, or Clint Eastwood (a la Dirty Harry). He knows what “pack” means. He’s got enough hardware in his luggage to take on the entire city. All he has to do is persuade the other tourists to get spines, aim and pull triggers.

At first the others just want to turn tail. They stop and ask directions to the airport. Polite Seattle liberals are glad to tell them the best way out of the city, but as more and more arrive to give directions, Bruce/Arnold/Clint sees through their courteous facade and mows them down with two M2s, one in each hand.

Pretty soon hundreds of helpful Seattle lefties are bearing down on the tourists, offering them crack pipes, sterilized needles, directions to Pike Place Market, and eating their brains. Eventually the tourists come over to our hero’s way of looking at things, when too many of them get bit and themselves turn into extreme left-wing nut cases.

Hearing about the new Seattle Founder’s Festival I thought of a remake of Here Come the Brides. It would be a reversal on the Three’s Company premise. Asa Mercer didn’t know it, but all the male pioneers in Seattle were gay. Why else would they have come to Seattle, knowing there were no women there?

Try it yourself! It makes the news easier to follow and seeing movies and TV shows in your head prevents eyestrain!