Countdown to Down

[from 9/30/09]

Let's look at the ways King County is considering saving money, and see if we can't find something amusing to say about them before deadline, which, as I write this sentence, is 100 minutes away.

Well, what do we have so far? There's a plan to close 39 parks in unincorporated King County. The number 39 is mildly amusing in itself. It's the number of counties in this state. It's the smallest odd composite number divisible by 13. It has been frequently asserted, but never proved, that 39 is the smallest mathematically uninteresting number. I just penned a brilliant proof of that very fact in the margins of the notebook I am writing in, and I will be careful to see to it that said notebook is forever lost to posterity, to inspire future generations to reproduce my proof. Jack Benny claimed to be 39 years old for 41 consecutive years. 86 minutes left.

King County Executive Kurt Triplett (I'm not making that name up) has notified suburbs that the County won't be in the animal control business as of July 2010. Gas your own dogs. Without all those parks, you'll probably have no place left to take them out for runs. So, like I just said, gas your dogs. You surely can do it more cheaply yourself than the county could do it on your tax dime. So this is a win-win for everybody. Fewer damn dogs. Fewer complaints about damn dogs. Sure, the dogs won't like it at first, but they'll get over it. 73 minutes.

The Seattle Times is reporting that there is now a possibility that the bridge joining South Park to the rest of Seattle will be closed next year, because it costs too much to maintain. I looked it up, and found out it is a Scherzer Rolling Lift double-leaf bascule bridge and was built between 1929 and 1931. If I had more time I bet I could find something comical in that, maybe having to do with rolling lifts (sounds sexy) or bascules (sounds like private parts). Instead, I'll have to limit myself to saying that our years of access to South Park have been a time of great adventure for the rest of Seattle, and we will all miss going there, in much the same way that we miss Apollo Moon landings. We didn't really want to go there, but we wanted some Buzz Lightyear dudes to be able to go there in our names, plant a flag for our glory, and report back. 53 minutes.

King County prosecutors are already filing fewer charges against drivers driving with suspended licenses, to save court costs. This is one of the best ideas yet, but it doesn't go far enough. There are lots of other criminal acts that they could save money by not prosecuting. King County could tell Washington State and the cities to conduct their own stupid pointless drug war, for instance. 33 minutes.

We're getting down to the last half hour to deadline, and nothing is funny enough yet. Every week it's the same. In desperation I resort to making stuff up. I need to think of other ways King County could save money to survive the pending budget crunch.

OK. 1. Give all the county's official cars away. They cost too much to maintain. 2. Scrap the bus system. Yes, I know, #1 and #2 together mean the county employees won't be able to travel about the county to do their business. I say, good. 3. Eliminate weddings. 4. Get rid of the King County Twitter account and whoever runs it. Why does King County have a flipping Twitter account?

With 10 minutes to go there's only one last hope, namely to admit defeat. The King County budget crunch is not funny. I see that now. Poverty is never funny, and you should never make fun of the poor, even if the poor is a county. Let's see that Kurt gets food stamps. Time.